A different road?

Over the weekend I was online researching information about ——- actually I can’t say right now, because it wouldn’t be fair to the other party/parties involved.  Let’s just say, I had a “dilemma” that was getting more uncomfortable by the day, and I was forced to make a decision and make it fast. Either stick with the situation hoping it would change, or call it quits.  I chose the latter and am currently in the midst of a super-mega-heart-stopping-tear-jerking transition, and like all big changes, self-doubt pests me like a bad case of fleas.

I needed validation that I did the right thing (deciding to make the change).  I found a plethora of others like me through online forums, who also struggled with the exact same situation I had been in. Like me, they tried to resolve, change, adapt, or even pretend the “dilemma” didn’t exist, just so they wouldn’t have to walk away.  Some finally threw in the towel, but some were never able to “get out” for various reasons. They were the ones writing posts of warning to others who were on the fence about sticking or moving on.

One particular woman wrote a post 2 years ago.  My jaw dropped as I read her story. She was describing my life!  She talked about specific situations surrounding the “dilemma” and how her heart broke at her inability to make it work or affect any kind of positive change.  She explained my situation to a T!  I wanted to write her back and thank her for helping me – and that’s when I realized – she was me!!!  In other words, I wrote that post 2 years ago and didn’t even remember!  If that wasn’t the biggest wake up call, I don’t know what is!  So the writing was on the wall (the online wall)…Nothing has changed in 2 years (regarding my specific “dilemma”) and that was all the validation I needed.

It seems we humans avoid taking a different road at all costs.  We hang in there, hoping, praying, trying, growing, suffering, pleading… until we are finally forced to walk away, whether we want to or not.  But beware!!!  Leaving one situation doesn’t clean the slate for the future!  We often find new situations that are extremely familiar, like walking down the same road again. Different faces, different names, but SAME ROAD.  I guess that’s where self love comes in.  I believe genuine self love is the GPS that guides us to different, healthier roads, so we don’t repeat the same story…somewhere else, some other time.

No one explains it better and more concisely than Portia Nelson with her “Autobiography in Five Short Chapters”.  I don’t know Portia, but would love for her to know that I have read this poem so many times I can now recite it.  Here’s to different roads.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters by Portia Nelson

Chapter 1
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost …. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend that I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter 4
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter 5
I walk down another street.

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