Some consider me a button pusher… a little too out spoken… poking at things that are better left alone. Guess what? I agree! But I’m telling you, sometimes the things I do or say are NOT of my choosing!!! (At least not the “conscious” part of me). If I had to be honest, I just want a simple life! I want to wake up and take walks in the park, sit on the beach, travel, make some one smile… You know, nice easy stuff. At my age, I think it’s only fair.
But I don’t have that option! Because there is this relentless hand on my back that won’t leave me alone! It pushes me beyond my comfort…beyond my liking! And if I don’t heed to that hand, it pushes harder. (I have actually been knocked on the ground twice in the last 3 years – no lie – and they weren’t minor falls – one caused temporary paralysis!)
And if I’m crazy enough to continue to deny that push (which I have been), everything in my life begins to shut down (by that same ruthless hand!) My speaking business was smashing last year, yet clients who were fighting for my time, have now forgotten my name. (The hand on my back is the master of shutting doors). Therefore, income dried up. And the bank account dwindled. And the best marketing efforts (and experts) on earth had no effect. I know because I paid big bucks to have them help me! My point?
I believe we ALL have that hand on us – and I think it’s attached to the bigger “us.” The one reminding us of that ‘thing’ we originally signed up for. You know – our purpose – what we came here to do. And I think the closer we get to doing that ‘thing’, (for me, it’s writing about the “unmentionables”) the more excruciatingly uncomfortable it gets to live!
When there was nothing left in front of me except the white flag, I slumped over to pick it up. And I reluctantly waved it. I surrender damn it! Okay??? I freakin’ surrender!!!
Truth be told, I didn’t surrender easily! I cried, cursed, pleaded for mercy, curled up in the fetal position for days and tried to find a work-around… and when nothing gave, I ate lots and LOTS of chocolate. Then I rented my house to a family and sold all my belongings until there were none left to sell. The hand didn’t care; it didn’t compromise with me. It didn’t tell me it was proud of me, or give me a reassuring pat on the back. NOOOO. It refused to negotiate. It kept pushing (or should I say “shoving”) harder.
And finally I’m left with no choice but to do something that makes me cringe inside! To write stuff that I am passionate about, but scared to death to put out there! Why? (For the same damn reason 80% of the population leave their purpose on the shelf.) Fear!!! The “How-Will-I-Be-Perceived” Fear. Or in my case, the “Who-Will-I-Offend” Fear. My family, my friends, my colleagues, and God only knows who else. The controversial subject matters I share will undoubtedly turn some people off! Can I handle that?
The fact is, I have no choice. I’m in it deep now. It’s stuff I know. It’s stuff I’ve probably known for lifetimes! (And maybe even been burnt at the stake for?!) It’s stuff that can help a lot of other people, who are waiting on me to put it all in writing – and they are the ones I finally surrendered for.
Over the last week, I have been sicker than I’ve been in years. Bronchitis that has had me coughing straight through the last eight nights. (I get bronchitis when the deep buried stuff is trying to come up to the surface – how symbolic, right?)
I trust that many seasoned writers know exactly what this is – I think of it as “a new writer’s metamorphosis,” so I am baring my soul to you fellow writers knowing my secret is safe with you!
Over the last 4 days, I began this new blog (Bare Naked Talk) to reveal some of the stuff that I’ve shared with so few. (Chapters of books in progress that discuss my psychic side, my knowledge of sacred sexuality, my concern with religion’s corruption of society, etc., etc.) This is stuff I’ve been interested in for so many years and now I realize, I was accumulating a world of knowledge for this exact moment in time, and there is no turning back now.
And to those of you in the same boat – I am here for you! Don’t hesitate to share your story too! You are safe with me!
By the way, in all the years I’ve been in business, I’ve never received the attention I have in the last 4 days. (At the risk of sounding like I’m boasting, because that’s not my style, I’ll leave out the stats regarding blog visits and views). I’d say that’s a sign that I’m finally in alignment with that ‘thing’ I originally signed up for. Or maybe it’s finally a much needed pat on the back.