When I Break Down…


“Where are all the friends that use to talk to me?” **

eye“All they ever told me was good news…” **


Stages of Grief???

  1. Acceptance
  2. Depression
  3. Anger
  4. Willingness to Open Up to Future Possibilities

Yeah, well maybe for some people (according to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross).  She was a psychiatrist who claimed that those 4 stages above are the stages associated with grief from loss, catastrophic events, fear of the unknown, etc.  Well, then.  Where does that leave me?  Because I just can’t relate!  I’ve been looking for stage 1 all along.  Where the hell is ACCEPTANCE?

And maybe it’s just me, but I think Acceptance is probably the LAST stage, not the first!  (In Kubler-Ross’s defense, I do believe she mentions that the stages happen in random order at times). But see, I need clear cut facts when I’m HURTING!  For those of you, LIKE me, who want a more solid roadmap to feeling better – or at least the path to ACCEPTANCE, maybe I can help.

I give you The 19 Stages of Grief According to Lynette Landing.  Do you relate?

Stage 1:  Begging, pleading, groveling, begging…begging…pleading….

Stage 2:  Quiet avoidance and some wailing; rummaging through cabinets for chocolate.

Stage 3:  Inner rage; spitting out tiny metal fragments. (Are these old fillings?)

Stage 4:  Dislodging body organs while sobbing (adams apple has relocated to sinus cavity, can’t figure out how to fix that).

Stage 5:  Unconditional love – Everyone one is beautiful!  You!  And You!  And even YOU who dug my heart out with a rusty bottle opener, flung it to the ground, stomped on it and then kicked it into the gutter. Honestly, it’s okay because it was meant to be this way because of divine order and the universe and namaste and light and all that is.  It’s like this:  I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together,**** so let me shower us all with daisies!

la, la, la, 🙂 xoxo ❤ 🙂 x 0 x0 x0 <3, la, la, la

Stage 6:  I hate your face!  I hate your parents for bringing you into the world!  I hate your shoe size! Oh my god!  You are the anti-Christ!  The destroyer of lives!  Mine!  Now hers!  And probably the female before me!  You destroy them all!  May you come back in the next life as a cicada that is innocently plucked right out of the sky by a cicada killer who buries your sorry ass 12″ into the ground, paralyzes you with it’s stinger and then lays it’s eggs on you, so that its newborns can host off your lifeless body!

Stage 7:  FORGIVE ME!  I am sooooo sorry!  You did not deserve that hateful wish!  It’s me!  I am the anti-Christ!  Oh my God!  It’s all my fault, every bit of it, including the fact that I was ever born!  May I come back in the next life as a cicada that is paralyzed and buried underground and used as a host for larva to grow into a new flock of cicada killers! No! Wait. That’s not enough – I deserve a fiercer punishment!  I’m so sorry!!!

State 8:  I wonder if it’s time for Match.com.

State 9:  Never!  The thought of dating makes me vomit!  My heart is shattered and I may never fall in love again!  And I’m quite sure that men suck!  Or I suck!  Should I consider a woman next time?

Stage 10:  I can see the space-time continuum!  I’m serious!  It is fully visible!  Just look at the wall in front of me bending back and forth!  This is wild!  (I saw the road twist into outer space earlier!)

Stage 11:  Photosynthesis can be seen without the use of a microscope!  Holy crap!  I can actually see those little molecules moving right before my eyes.  Go little green-pigment-chlorophylled-thingies, go!

Stage 12:   Wait!  Was that…acceptance?  I just felt something for 55.3 seconds – something that felt kind of like acceptance?  I’m not entirely sure.

Stage 13:  Despair.  Squeaking out pathetic painful sorts of sounds that I never knew I was capable of making before.  Acceptance is a f—ing LIE!!!  Kubler-Ross is the devil!

Stage 14:  The desire to smoke things that I normally don’t smoke, nor have access to smoke, nor like to smoke.

Stage 15:  Time for Alan Parson’s Project (I Robot) full album.  The song “Total Eclipse” is some very scary shit.

Stage 16:  Ruminating on the former Good, the Good, the Good—which actually feels BAD and leads me to…

Stage 17:  Crippling despair (for the love of God, is there another word for despair?  It’s no longer despairful enough!)  And where the hell are the tissues!?!?

Stage 18:  I haven’t eaten all day.  It’s 1:44 A.M. and I just realized I haven’t eaten all day.

Stage 19:  I’m……. Okay.  I’m…….actually Okay.  I survived another day.  I am still here.  And, hmmm, there’s a sort of calmness in the air.  Ohhhhhhhhh.  It’s Acceptance.  It’s Acceptance.  It’s going to be okay.  I’m going to be okay. The world is going to be okay.  He is there.  I am here.  We are not together.  It is sad, but somehow I know, even a teeny-weeny bit, that it’s okay.  It’s really okay.



P.S.  Grief.  We all go through it at some point – reach out – we are all here for each other!

P.S.S. Kubler-Ross is not the devil.  Read her stuff on grief – it’s very helpful.


**Allan Parson’s Project – I Robot – When I Break Down

***With time on your side…
(Day after day the show must go on…)
With time on your side…
(Day after day the show must go on…)
With time on your side…

***Allan Parson’s Project – I Robot – Nucleus / Day after Day

****Lyrics, “I Am the Walrus” by the Beatles

(C) Copyright 2016, BarenakedTalk All Rights Reserved.

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